Lions, and Tigers, and Blair, Oh My!

Danae

Disclaimer: Blair is not mine! Alas, that he were….oh, the fun I would have with him……………….. Oh! Sorry. Got lost in the possibilities for a moment! <eg> Anyway, as I was saying, he’s not mine <sigh>. He belongs to Pet Fly. I’m not trying to steal him or make any money off of him. Just having some fun and I promise to put him back where I got him with only a few minor wrinkles. After all, he, unlike his sentinel, doesn’t fold his clothes up when he takes them off. I tried to tell him not to just throw them in the corner that way…. Oops, too much information! J

Warning: This is Blair, Just Blair, and Only Blair. Jim has not entered the picture as of yet. We keep hearing of all the places Blair has been and his various expeditions but we have no, or little fan fic about it. At least, I haven’t seen it if it’s out there. Anyway, so this started out as a little tidbit of a story that Blair tells Jim about in one of my other stories and I suddenly wanted to tell the whole story. It’s probably just the medication I’m on but anyway, here goes!

Thanks to everyone who inspires me. My betareaders, Missy and Mary, my cheering section, Michelle, Beth, Gen, Sorcha, Missy and Mary again, and everyone, I mean, everyone who writes with feedback and encouragement. I lost a lot of addresses when my computer died so if you haven’t heard from me, that’s why. I can’t find you! Let me know how you are!

On with the show…

Lions, and Tigers, and Blair, Oh My!

Blair Sandburg squinted and held up one hand to shield his eyes from the hot African sun. He pulled his canteen from his belt and spun the top off with one hand. He gulped down several swallows of water and then rolled his head back on his shoulders. His hat promptly fell to the ground. Making a disgusted sound and rolling his eyes, he stooped to swoop it up and plopped it back over his unruly curls. The dusty hat, a’la Indiana Jones, had been a gift from his wayfaring mother when he had wrote her about this trip. It was a little big but it did keep the top of his head from being sunburned in the incredible heat.

Naomi Sandburg had been tickled pink to learn that her only son had been chosen to accompany Dr. Eli Stoddard to Kenya for an anthropological study of one of the country's tribal societies. It was not the first trip he had been on by any means but his mother, who herself never settled in one place for very long, was worried that Blair was falling into a rut. He had passed on a couple of opportunities to focus on an interesting monograph that he had run across on ancient tribal guardians with enhanced senses, and suddenly his mother thought that he was growing roots. He shook his head. He was not through with the monograph. Not by a long shot but this trip was just too intriguing. And Dr. Stoddard too important in the field to pass up an opportunity to work with him. It was an incredible honor to be chosen, too! After all, Blair was only in his first year of graduate school at Ranier University. The twenty-one year old prodigy had been chosen over some older and more experienced students for this trip. But, man, it was hot!

"Hey, yeah, I’ll go to Kenya, Dr. Stoddard. Sounds cool," he muttered to himself. "Yeah, right, about as cool as hell in July. I will never complain about the weather in Cascade again." He sighed heavily. The group was getting away from him while he stood there contemplating the pros and cons of cold rain versus baking heat. He started moving again. He saw Dr. Stoddard glance back at him and waved. The man smiled and waved back before turning back to the tribesman that walked by his side. I suppose I could go native and get a little cooler, he thought as he observed the clothing that the tribesmen they were "hunting" with were wearing. He almost laughed aloud. Oh, yeah, me in a breechcloth in the African sun. Let’s see what would be funniest about that? Flashing my skinny behind to God and all creation or the resulting sunburn in some interesting and painful places? Alas, he would have to remain fully clothed. Blair shrugged a little and looked down at his feet. Never knew when you might walk right up on something small, slithery and quite deadly. He shivered at the thought. Man, he hated snakes.

Dr. Stoddard had convinced the tribal chieftain to let he and Blair accompany their hunters out on a hunting trip. The two women in their contingency were not allowed to come and though they were unhappy about that, Blair was a touch envious of them. After all, they were back in the village. No, there was no air-conditioning in the village so that was not why he felt a little miffed. If that had been the case he would have been more than a touch envious. It was just that they were not traipsing around looking for wild animals that could just as easily make a meal out of them rather than the other way around, AND they were spending their time learning about the things that Blair felt were more telling of the culture. Like rites of passage, art, and music, such as that. But oh no, Dr. Stoddard just had to go hunting! Blair hated hunting. One, it was dangerous. Two, it was messy. Three, you had to kill stuff; he hated that. Four, it was dangerous. Five, it was damn hot. Six, it was dangerous. Did he already say that one? Yeah, well, it was worth mentioning again. And again. And seven… Where the hell did everybody go?

"Holy Shit! Dr. Stoddard!?" No response. He tried the hunting party’s leader’s name. "Yaw?!" Blair turned in a circle, searching for any sign of the hunters and his professor. He backtracked a few steps and repeated his circle. Then forward once again and another circle. "Anybody? Hello!" Only animal sounds answered him. "Shit! Only you, Blair Sandburg, only you could manage to lose eight people in broad daylight on a clear day." He glanced about himself and suddenly realized something even more disturbing. "Which way was I going? Where the hell am I? Damn! Maybe turning around and around in circles wasn’t such a damn good idea, huh, Blair? Damn it! Every direction looks about the same. No, Blair, you didn’t lose the group. You lost you!"

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An hour later, Blair found himself still hopelessly lost. He wondered how the group had gotten away from him so fast and why the hell he had not heard them. Perhaps they had seen something and took off after it while he was obliviously lost in his thoughts. He kept moving, however, in what he hoped was the right direction. "Why, oh, why, after all this time haven't I developed a damn decent sense of direction!?" he lamented. "Been all over the world and still couldn't find my ass if I was sitting on it sometimes," he mumbled. He reached up with one hand to drag it through his hair, as was his habit when he was upset, and promptly knocked his hat off his head. Swearing, he bent down to pick it up and froze. Only three feet from him in the grass lay a snake. His mind raced, flipping through all the knowledge he had of the region to assess just how deep the shit he was in was. Too far north for a mamba, thank you, God. Too far south for an asp. Perfect spot for any one of several cobras though. Great! Sure enough, the snake raised its head and the tell-tale hood spread. Blair fought the urge to run. It would do no good. He had to stay perfectly still. No sound, no movement. Snakes don't see very well. If you don't move, they will go right past you. He remembered that from that trip he and Naomi had taken to that little zoo in Maggie Valley, North Carolina where some guy walked into a pit of rattlesnakes and did a snake show. Blair thought he was nuts. Especially when the guy grabbed up one snake and seriously explained to the audience that a person could tell if a snake were poisonous or not by looking at the snake's eyes. If the pupils were slitted like a cat, the snake was poisonous. If they were rounded like a human, the snake was not. He remembered whispering into his mother's ear that, yeah, that was a great idea, get in the snake's face and look at his eyes! Naomi had laughed and agreed with him. Yet, here he was, practically in a snake's face and he could plainly see that indeed, the snake is question had slitted pupils. Blair did not even dare to blink. He knew he was trembling slightly but prayed that the snake could not tell. He was unsure later just how long he stood there, bent over at the waist, arm reaching for a fallen hat, eyes unblinking before the snake decided it was time to move on. It seemed like an eternity. And to make things so very much worse, the snake had decided to move in Blair's direction! Blair watched horrified as the creature crawled right over his boots.

As soon as he was sure that the thing was gone, he grabbed his hat and ran. He ran for several minutes before he plopped down underneath a tree. He took several deep breaths and struggled to ward off the panic attack that he was thankful had waited until after the snake was gone to set in. When he had regained his breath and his control, he got up and started on his way again, realizing even as he did that in his panic to get away from the cobra, he had probably managed to get himself even more lost and off track than before.

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Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off into the savanna we go, to get bitten by snakes and eaten by lions, hi-ho, hi-ho, Blair sang in his head as he trudged along, watching his steps diligently. He was so focused on not meeting up with any more snakes that he missed the first soft growl. It was not until the second one that he stopped in his tracks. He lifted his eyes slowly and gulped as they met the eyes of a lioness. Slowly, he scanned his immediate area, only to find several more great cats around him. There were four males and twice that many females. Oh God! Man, I was just kidding about the lion thing! Can't you take a joke? he asked the sky silently. "Hi guys, I was just leaving." He took a step backwards very slowly. The lioness directly in front of him rose gracefully and seemed for all the world to Blair to lick her chops. "Oh man. Listen, I don't taste good, okay. I'm a little tough too. You'd like a nice antelope better, I assure you. You're not buying this, huh?" he asked the animal as she took a step toward him. "I should have stayed in Cascade." He told her. "I'll just go back there now, okay?" A few more of the cats around him got up and Blair saw his life pass before his eyes.

He was just about to turn and try to run, though he knew that to be useless, he was at least going to try, when he heard a high pitched scream. Then came another and another. He turned his head in unison with the cats to see a band of hunters come out of the bush near them. A spear landed, point first, in the ground between Blair and the lioness and the graceful cat gave Blair one last look before she bounded away. The other cats followed, except for one great male. He roared defiantly and shook his mighty head, his ears flattened and Blair nearly fainted dead away at the sight and sound of him. Then, he too turned and ran after the others. Blair spun on his heels and raised his arms up to the sky, thanking the god of wayward anthropologists for his life. "Thanks, guys," he said to the hunters but most of them ignored him and ran after the lions. A few stragglers came up to him though and clapped their hands on his shoulders, laughing and talking to him in a dialect that he did not recognize. He knew quite a bit of Swahili but this was not Swahili. Luo was a possibly but he did not know word one of that language. He just smiled and nodded and hoped that they understood his gratitude. The other hunters came back then and joined their colleagues, chatting happily and slapping Blair on the shoulders. "Does anybody speak English?" He got no verbal response, just a playful push from one of the hunters. "Swahili?" Nothing but more smiles and words that he did not know or understand.

Then he saw him. Standing apart from the group was one man who did not look very happy. He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, his spear stabbed into the ground next to his feet, a scowl on his face. When he noticed Blair's gaze, he pointed and spit out a few words. The others stopped laughing, their smiles died away and they nodded at the man. Blair found himself swept along with them suddenly. They surrounded him and urged him to move with them. "Where are we going? Guys, have you seen another hunting party around here? Why are you talking, Blair? They can't understand you any more than you understand them." He stopped talking. They did not seem unfriendly after the man's words, just more serious. Blair pondered the meaning of their sudden seriousness. They did not manage to kill a lion, so maybe he had disrupted their hunt and they were unhappy. Maybe they did not like strangers in their land, but they had seemed friendly enough before Ol' Sourpuss opened his mouth. Then a disturbing thought occurred to Blair and he quickly ran through his memory. No, he could not find a reference to cannibals in all he knew of Kenya. He thanked God again. Maybe they were just going to take him back to civilization. That was a comforting thought and so he decided to see if that were the case.

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It was getting pretty late in the evening when they arrived in the small village where his group of hunters apparently lived. The villagers came to see the stranger their men had brought with them. Blair stood uneasily in the village square as the children and women came forward to examine him. One woman seemed fascinated by his hair and kept pulling out straight little curls and then letting them go to watch them bounce back to their original shape. She grinned at him. Blair tried to smile but he doubted that it was very convincing. One of the children tugged on his arm until he bent over and then snatched his hat from his head and placed it on his own head. He modeled it for everyone assembled then gave it back to Blair. Blair did smile then but his smile disappeared as the crowd around him parted and a man stepped through. His authority was obvious. He was the chief. With him was Ol' Sourpuss. A few words were passed between the two men then the chief made an announcement and everyone moved back. Except for the big hunter. He held out a spear to Blair. Blair just looked at the weapon then back to the hunter and tried to let his expression convey his lack of understanding. The man thrust the weapon at Blair again then grabbed Blair's hand and pushed the spear into it, then reached behind himself to get another spear from another man. The man then adopted a fighting stance and Blair understood. He shook his head and dropped the spear. No way was he fighting this guy or anybody else. Murmurs rose from the assembled crowd and Ol' Sourpuss's face got even more sour.

 "Uh-oh," Blair muttered. He swallowed hard and located the chief in the crowd. "I don't want to fight. Does anybody here speak English? Swahili? Sir, I don't want to fight. I'm not a fighter. I'm an anthropologist." Blair gestured with his hands to try to convey his confusion and reluctance. "Oh, man, I'm so dead now, right? Look, I'm sorry that I disrupted your lion hunt. I didn't mean to, I promise you! I'm lost, okay. You know? Lost?" His hands were flying wildly as he tried hard to get his meaning across regardless of the fact that his words were definitely not understood.

The chief barked out what could have only been a command and Blair found his arms pinned behind him. He protested as he was dragged out of the square but, of course, they did not understand him. He was thrown into a hut and the door closed behind him. He turned and opened it only to find that the two men who had dragged him there were standing guard outside the door. He was apparently a prisoner. "I really should have stayed in Cascade," he mumbled as he closed the door. He flopped down on a pallet on the floor and contemplated what his fate would be. It was not looking very pleasant. He tossed his hat aside and ran his hands through his hair. "Leave it to me."

Sometime later, he was brought food. A tray was brought in by the same woman who had been fascinated with his hair. She placed it in front of him and gestured to it. He smiled and picked up the bowl of stew. She touched his hair again as he lifted the bowl to his lips. He watched her hand as she combed it through his curls. She smiled and left. He shrugged and sipped the stew. The broth was thick and good, so with one hope that it was not poisoned, he dug in with gusto, discovering even as the stew hit his empty stomach that he was quite hungry. He finished off the meal and yawned. He was tired. He lay back on the pallet and closed his eyes.

And then it was morning. Just that quickly it seemed, Blair awoke to find the sun in his eyes as the door to his prison hut was opened. The sun was blocked suddenly by a large form and Blair figured that it must be time for his execution. He sat up and the figure motioned for him to come. He did, albeit slowly. No sense in rushing to be killed, he thought sadly as he followed the man out into the daylight.

"Blair!" he heard and turned toward the voice, his eyes not quite adjusted to the brightness. He could see a figure coming toward him and held up one hand to shade his eyes. "Blair, my boy! Thank God, you're okay!"

"Dr. Stoddard! Oh man, am I glad to see you!" Blair recognized the man's voice before he ever saw the face. Then he was caught up in the older man's embrace.

"I just can not apologize enough, Blair! Yaw found some tracks and we took off running and never once did I think to make sure that you were behind us until, well, I realized that you weren't. I know how you are about snakes and watching where you step. I should have shouted out or something."

"No, I should have been paying attention, sir. I'm sorry." Blair apologized to his favorite professor.

"Nonsense! I'm just glad that you're all right."

"Dr. Stoddard, I'm not so sure I am all right. These folks don't seem too fond of me, you know? I don't know what I did but one guy wanted to fight me and when I refused to fight they threw me in that hut and kept me under guard. I think I messed up their lion hunt. I didn't know that was like some kind of major offense and then…" Blair stopped as he realized that Dr. Stoddard was laughing. "Dr. Stoddard, no offense, sir, but I don't see what's so comical about this, man. I thought I was about to executed or something."

"No! My dear boy, no. We have to teach you some Luo. Remind me of that later. Right now, I'll explain. The chief told me the circumstances surrounding his hunters finding you in the bush. Blair, I can not tell you how happy I am that they arrived when they did! Walking into a pride of lions! My god! What an experience! You must have been terrified! Anyway, the hunters thought you were an extraordinarily brave warrior to walk into the middle of a pride like that. You see, some of the tribes around here still practice the rite of passage in which a young man challenges a lion. That's what they thought you were doing. However, it seems that the leader of the band did not like the fact that some of his fellow hunters compared you to him in the matter of courage and he issued a challenge, which you turned down, which he considered to be an insult." Dr. Stoddard explained to Blair.

"Oh great! So, what now?"

"I have explained to our hosts that you are not a warrior but a scholar who thanks the great warrior and his hunting party for saving him from certain death. You have been forgiven."

"Thank God! Can we go now then? I just want to get back to our little village where I can understand most of what is being said to me and nobody wants to kill me."

"There is just one problem with that." Dr. Stoddard's face held an apologetic expression.

"What?"

"It seems that the chief's daughter has taken an interest in you and that the chief has often hoped his daughter would find someone that she was interested in and since you are a shaman, you are considered to be an excellent choice for a husband. You weren't about to be executed, my boy. You were about to be married."

Blair actually felt the blood drain from his face. "What? M-mm-married? Sh-sha-shaman?" Blair stammered. "I'm no shaman!" he exclaimed. "And I don't want to get married! I don't even know this girl! And I'm much too young to get married! Dr. Stoddard, you have to help me!"

"Shhh!" the older man warned, patting him on the back while smiling at the tribespeople assembled around them. "Calm down. Unfortunately, the only word for scholar in their language is synonymous with shaman. Now, I'm trying to figure out a way out of this. Just let me handle everything. I'll think of something."

"What the hell would I tell my mother?!" Blair exclaimed.

"Blair! I will find you a way out of this. Just hold on and don't panic."

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"Is it time to panic yet?" Blair inquired as he and Dr. Stoddard were tossed into the little prison hut.

"No, no. The chief is a little upset. You can imagine that, I'm sure. His daughter was very excited about this marriage. She seems quite taken with your hair."

"Tell me about it." His bride-to-be had turned out to be the woman that so loved his curls.

"Now she's upset and he is a father and fathers don't like that. I just have to come up with a reason that they can understand why you can't marry her."

"Well, the 'we don't do arranged marriages' thing failed miserably. Dr. Stoddard, she's very pretty and all, but I don't want to get married. Not to her or anybody else. I'm only twenty-one years old, man and my mom will just have a heart attack and die when she finds out!"

"Blair, you aren't getting married."

"Then they are going to kill me. I'm going to die here and believe me, that is not on my social calendar as something I want to do at this stage of my life either. Oh man, I can't believe this is happening to me!"

"I've got it!" Dr. Stoddard exclaimed.

"What? What have you got?"

"A way out for you. You may not like it."

"Dr. Stoddard, I'll like anything that gets me out of this marriage, a death sentence, and this village. What?" Blair stood from his pallet and walked over to where his professor was pacing. "Tell me! I'll do anything I have to! Well, within reason. I don't have to kill anybody or myself, do I? Or challenge a lion or something like that! Please tell me, I don't have to die to get out of this!"

"We'll tell them that you are studying to be a priest."

"A priest?"

"The tribes around here are familiar with Catholics and the vows of a Catholic priest. They think it very funny and very stupid but they do know about it. They will tease you unmercifully about it until we leave here but I think it will work. After they try to tempt you that is."

"Tempt me?"

"Oh yes! They'll try to test your resolve and you have better be prepared! One slip and they will see you married, my boy."

"But it'll work?"

"I'm almost certain." The older man nodded.

"How certain is almost?" Blair asked skeptically.

"About 80 percent."

"Just eighty?"

"Less if you can't control your hormones and believe me, Blair, the stories around the campus say that you don't really practice much restraint in that area."

Blair blushed. "I like women, Dr. Stoddard, but I'm not a dog. I'm a little more choosy than the stories would have you believe."

"Good, then we might have a shot."

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The look on the chief's face was first shock then it melted into amusement. He turned and announced the news to the tribe. His daughter put her hand to her open mouth in surprise. Then the laughter started. Blair was surrounded by the whole mass of the tribe where he was tossed about playfully. He tried to imagine some real Catholic priest trying to handle this man-handling gracefully and failed. His grandmother would have just thrown a fit over her Jewish grandson impersonating a Catholic priest. However, he supposed that she would have also thrown a fit over him being married to an African tribal woman on the Kenyan savanna. The chief held up his arms and shouted something and the people scattered.

"What's up?" Blair asked his teacher.

"The wedding is off."

"Thank goodness!" Blair sighed in relief.

"And he has declared that there will be a feast and dance in your honor tonight."

"My honor? I just turned his daughter down."

"Yes, but you are an holy man, a shaman. He says he knew it from the start. You have power and should be honored. So I suppose you will escape the seduction attempts as well. Congratulations, my boy, you are officially unengaged." Dr. Stoddard smiled at him and tucked him underneath his arm. "Blair, you amaze me at times. Only you could walk into a den of lions, shame a tribal warrior into a challenge, insult a tribal chief and his daughter and get a feast thrown in your honor. You lead a charmed life, son."

Blair grinned at his mentor.

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Blair watched the dancers and the drummers in turn. He was in awe of both groups, the dancers for their grace and the drummers for their skill. When he was invited to join the dance, he grinned and eagerly joined them. Two hours later, he fell back down to the ground next to Dr. Stoddard, exhausted but deliriously happy. Finally when the dancing ended, the people came by him, one by one, and touched him gently before going to their homes for the night.

"What'd they do that for?" he asked Dr. Stoddard sleepily as the professor led him to the hut that they had been granted to sleep in along with Yaw.

"The chief is convinced that you are blessed in some way. The people wanted to touch you to gain a blessing from you."

"Wow." Blair smiled. Then his eyes picked up movement from the perimeter of the village. He looked closer and saw a solitary figure standing there. "What's he doing?"

"Who?"

"That guy." Blair pointed and the man turned to look at him as he did. It was then that he saw that man was not alone at all. Another man was with him. The first man touched the second on the shoulder and he too looked toward Blair. And something in Blair's mind clicked. "The monograph," he whispered.

"Oh, they're the night watch, I suppose."

"I think that guy can hear me." Blair whispered.

"From that distance? I don't think so. Besides, he can't speak English so he wouldn't know what you were saying if he could. Come to bed. We have a long road to travel tomorrow." Dr. Stoddard entered the hut.

"You can hear me, can't you? Man, I wish we could understand each other."

"Blair! Come to bed, son. You need your rest. You've had a very eventful few days."

"No kidding." Blair bit his lip and still stood watching the two men on the edge of the village. And they watched him.

"Well, just think of the great story you can tell your grandchildren."

"Yeah." He went inside and lay down on his pallet. "Dr. Stoddard, have you read Richard Burton's monograph about ancient tribal guardians?"

"Can't say that I have, although I have heard about it. Why?"

"No reason really. Good night."

"Good night, Blair."

Blair tried to sleep but he could not get his mind to rest. Instead, he found himself pondering the old monograph and the two men outside on the perimeter of the village. Could it be that Burton had been right? He had to find out. He would find out. "Someday." He promised himself and Burton softly before finally surrendering to sleep.

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Voila'! Okay, so there are no tigers! But the title was just too good to pass up! I can add a tiger if you like…… <g> And the zoo in Maggie Valley is real. It's called the Soco Gardens Zoo and they sort of specialize in abused and/or sick animals. They take in lab monkeys and discarded exotic pets and mistreated circus animals, such as that. And then they have the reptile show and the guy really did explain to my sister and I that you could tell if a snake was poisonous by looking in his eyes! We could not help but laugh at the absurdity of that idea! Too funny!