Soul Shadows  Part 4

Danae

Disclaimer: The boys do not belong to me.  They belong to Pet
Fly.  I'm just borrowing them for a bit.  I mean no harm,
infringement, or disrespect and I certainly am not getting paid
for this.  I'm just having some fun.

As ever, thanks to my wonderful betas, Beth, Missy, Laura and
Paulette.  Thanks to Nickerbits for bidding for this story in the
auction.  This one's for you!  Thanks to Michelle, my friend and
inspiration!  And last but not least, to everyone that writes me
with feedback and encourages me with their words of support.  

There are some references to and some spoilers for S2, BMB, and
Cypher.  And some references to the deaths of various vehicles
<g>. And a few bad words.  Hmmmm, can't think of anything else.


Soul Shadows Part 4

Danae

_______________________________________________________________


"Got it."  Simon turned in Blair's desk chair and handed the book
he held to Jim, who sat on the floor, leaning on Blair's bed. 
"You were right.  Sarah found out that he was sneaking out of the
house and meeting up with Dawson and she told Maggie.  It was a
few months after he was locked in the attic.  They watched him
and caught him then locked him in the attic again, for two weeks
that time.  Look at the bottom of that first page.  What do you
make of that?"

"'Dawson makes me nervous.'" Jim read aloud.  "'He seems to know
things that he shouldn't, like he can read your mind.  He asked
me once in town how Van was doing and it just happened to be a
time when Van and Maggie were having problems.  Of course, I
would never air our problems to this man or anyone else so I told
him that Van was doing wonderfully.  I could have almost sworn
that the man was about to accuse me of lying but he just snorted
at me and walked away.  Now this.  He's interfering and trying
to take Van from us.  From me.  I have to make sure that Van
stays away from him.  Even if I have to get Maggie involved.'" 
Jim shook his head.  "Sounds like Blair might have been right
about Dawson."

"He theorized that Dawson might have had some Sentinel
tendencies?" Simon asked.

"Yeah."

"Connected souls, Jim."

"Simon, please, this is hard enough to swallow without you
shoving it down my throat too.  Speaking of which, you've been
pretty damn calm about all this.  Not to mention that psychic
woman you brought here.  What gives with you?"

"Hey, you think I like this anymore than you?  However, I had
this great aunt.  She was a real eccentric.  The whole family
thought that she was crazy as a bedbug.  She believed in
reincarnation and she said that there were such things as
connected souls.  She claimed that she and her husband had met in
several lifetimes and each time, they had been special to one
another in some way.  Sometimes married, sometimes friends,
sometimes acquaintances that made big differences in each other's
lives but always connected.  Jim, think about it.  What are the
chances of an ex-Army Ranger and an anthropologist with a hippie
for a mother becoming not only friends but best friends? 
Something drew you two together."

"Yeah, the Sentinel thing."

"And how did you just happen to live in the same city, a Sentinel
and a Guide?  And how about the circumstances, Sandburg knowing
that nurse, your senses coming back just when they did and going
to that hospital?  There were too many coincidences before all
this started.  I've always looked at the two of you and wondered
if Aunt Eleanora wasn't right."

Jim chuckled a little.  "Who'da thought it, Simon?  I thought I
knew you pretty well and I never knew that behind that 'don't
talk to me about mysticism' growl, you were really thinking that
we were cosmically connected souls."

"It was just a thought." Simon smiled.  "Not one I'm fond of, but
a thought just the same."

Jim turned and stared at Blair for a long moment before turning
back to Simon.  "So Dawson called Van 'Chief.'"

"I caught that."

"You know, I could have lived the rest of my life and been very
happy not having to face any of this."  

Simon sighed at the look in Jim's eyes.  The man was confused and
worried and Simon had no answers for him.  "I wish I knew what to
say or do to help but I just don't have a clue and Aunt
Eleanora's been gone a long time."

Jim frowned.  "I mean, how far does this go back?  How many
lifetimes have we lived?  Apart, together?  Were you there, I
wonder?"

"Hey!  Don't be pulling me into this!"

"Simon, you jumped in with both feet a long time ago.  Don't even
try to pretend."

Simon rubbed his jaw.  "You got me there."

"You're damn right I do.  You've been there for us from the
beginning and in case I've never said it aloud, thanks."

"What are friends for?"

"Apparently, to keep you awake all night long with their constant
chattering," came the grumble from the bed as a pillow was pulled
over the mass of curls that peeked out from the covers.  

Jim grinned over his shoulder at his partner then turned smiling
blue eyes back to Simon.  "Can you believe that?"

"Tell me about it.  Look who's accusing somebody of constant
chattering.  Pot calling kettle, right, Jim?"

"I know that's right.  Of all the nerve, Junior!"

"Jim, I love you like a brother, man, but if you don't shut up,
I'm going throw you out the window.  Right after I handcuff you
and Simon together with your own damn handcuffs."

Simon laughed.  The threat was delivered so normally, so Blair-
like.  It was a welcome relief given the night's earlier events. 
Jim was laughing as well as he shifted around to lie on the
blankets he had thrown on the floor next to Blair's bed.  "Good
night, Sandburg."

"'Night, Simon."

"Sorry, Chief."

"'S okay.  Just turn off that stupid lamp, will ya?"

Simon flipped it off and made his way to the cot where he figured
he would lie awake and pretend to sleep.  "Good night, Jim."

"Good night, Simon."

"And good night, John-Boy."  Blair grumbled and Simon and Jim
burst out laughing again.  So wonderfully normal, Simon thought
to himself as he settled down on the cot.  He knew Jim was
probably feeling the same thing.  He sighed and shifted a bit to
get comfortable, never expecting sleep to come but it did.

_____________________________________________________________

Two pairs of eyes had followed every move he had made as he made
breakfast, and as he ate breakfast, and as he got his things
together for his class.  Finally, he could not stand it any
longer.  "Okay," he announced to the two older men and had to
suppress a smile as they both jumped a little.  "What is it? 
What happened this time that I don't remember?"

Silence greeted the questions for a few moments as Jim and Simon
looked to each other.  To Blair, they looked like two errant
school children trying to get their story straight before opening
their mouths to the teacher.  Under different circumstances, he
would have had to laugh.  Instead, however, he had to frown. 
Something had happened and they were silently deciding which of
them would have to give him the bad news.

It was Jim that finally spoke.  "You tried to climb out the
window last night, Chief.  You, uh, were asking us, or rather
Maggie and Sarah, not to lock you in the attic again.  Then you
thought I was Dawson again.  I had to tell you that I was going
to take you to the train station to get you to stop trying to get
away and go back to bed."

Images from the nightmare rushed back in on Blair and he grabbed
the back of one of the kitchen chairs to keep his knees from
giving out on him.  One hand on each shoulder, one Jim's and one
Simon's, steadied him.  "Okay, okay, I think I remember some of
that now," he whispered as his two friends maneuvered him into
the chair.

"We found a reference to the incident in one of the diaries
afterwards.  And there was something else."

"What?" Blair raised his eyes to meet Jim's and saw reluctance in
them.  "Jim, you promised to talk to me."

"I am, Chief."  Jim sighed.  "I think you were right about
Dawson.  Sarah made mention of some things that might indicate
that Dawson was a Sentinel."

"Yes!" Blair exclaimed quietly.  

Jim rolled his eyes at him.  "Leave it to you to be happy about
all this."

"Jim, I can't help it if it makes me happy that we might have
been friends in other lifetimes.  Add to that the knowledge that
you might have been a Sentinel in some, if not all, of those
lifetimes and I might have been your Guide and how can I be upset
by that?"

Jim smiled and squeezed his shoulder.  "I guess you have a point
there, Chief."

"Well, I have to get going." Blair stood and in moments had on
his coat and was hoisting up his backpack.

"Are you sure that you don't want me to come with you?"

"I'm sure, Jim.  Thanks, though.  And thanks to both of you for
last night." Blair made sure to meet Simon's eyes so the man
would know that he was just as appreciated.

"I thought we kept you awake, Sandburg."

"Hey, there are a lot worst things to keep you awake than having
two of your friends talking to each other while they're watching
over you.  See you later, guys."  He was out the door before
either of them could respond.  He carefully adjusted the collar
of the shirt he was wearing and hoped that it had and would cover
most of the bruises.  He had seen Jim stare a few times at the
bruise on his face and watched as his eyes moved down to Blair's
neck.  He did not blame Jim but he knew the other man would
berate himself every time he saw the marks so he tried to hide
them.  Maybe he would have to dig up those turtlenecks that Sam
had bought for him when they had been dating.  He hated them.  

He kept his mind busy with all sorts of thoughts as he made his
way out of the building and to his car.  As long as he could
crowd his head with other things, the voices and the eerie
feeling of being watched faded somewhat until most of the words
were unrecognizable and the hair on the back of his neck did not
prickle quite so much.  He drove, reciting lecture notes, singing
favorite songs, and even just humming for a while, any
distraction, until he reached the university.  He was just fine. 
He was going to be just fine, he told himself repeatedly as he
parked the Volvo and headed off for the Hargrove Building and a
busy and, hopefully, peaceful day.

_______________________________________________________________

Jim paced.  He stopped in front of the door that would lead him
into Dr. Diana Winston's office and stared at it.  He had no idea
why he was there and he argued with himself.  One half of his
head was telling him to go in and get some more answers.  Answers
for his own peace of mind.  The other half of his head was not
sure whether to laugh at him or kick him in the ass for coming
here in the first place.  He had been there, pacing in front of
the little building just two blocks from the hospital where Blair
was spending far too much time of late, for quite some time.  At
last, mostly due to the indecision of the cynical half of his
brain, the half wanting answers won out.  He snatched the door
open with such a force that he was surprised that it did not come
off the hinges.  He strode up to the receptionist.

"You can go in, Detective," the woman told him before he could
say a word.

Jim was stunned but made the quick detour into Winston's office. 
"Dr. Winston."

"It's about time, Detective.  You've been out there quite a
while."

Jim felt his face redden.  "Sorry.  Didn't know you saw me."

"I have windows and don't apologize.  I think I understand.  You
seem like a man that doesn't like unexpected and unexplainable
things to shake up your ordered world."

"I think you just insulted me, Doctor, but right now I need some
answers and I don't think that I should give myself much time to
think about being here or I'll leave."

She smiled.  "Go ahead with your questions then."

"How many lives can one soul lead?  How far does it go back and
how far forward are we talking about?  Eternity?  And why the
hell did I have to find out that it was even a possibility?"

"Those are awfully big questions, Detective.  I don't know if I
can give you those kinds of answers.  The questions are a little
too general."

"Okay, then tell me this.  If I were to allow you to do one of
those past life things on me, would I remember it and would I
recognize anyone from this life that I had met in any previous
one?"

"Wow, that last part is interesting.  Okay, yes, you could
remember.  Blair probably wasn't really clear with his memories
because the session went so wrong."

"Oh, I think he remembers quite a bit now.  It took him a while
but he remembers."

"He remembered Emisae?"

"Yeah."

"Good, at least he got something pleasant out of it to remember. 
Now, as for the other part, the interesting part, who are you
looking for?"

"You know the answer to that, Dr. Winston."

"Blair?"

"Yeah.  Would I recognize him?"

"Perhaps.  You think the two of you are connected?  That was the
reason for the questions about that the first time you were
here."

"I'm damn near certain."

Her eyes lit up.  "Detective, would you allow me to do a
regression for you?"

"Dr. Winston, I think this may be the easiest way to get the
answers I need."

"Easiest way?"

Jim laughed ruefully.  "Let's just say that my other source tends
to be unreliable."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"That's okay, Doc.  I don't want you to understand.  Have you got
time now?"

"When I saw you pacing the sidewalk, I cleared some time hoping
you would make it inside."

_____________________________________________________________

"Ms. Parks?" 

Camille nearly fainted when she saw the young man standing on her
doorstep.  The big blue eyes and chestnut curls were all too
familiar.  "Oh my," she finally forced out.

The sweet smile she received then was dazzling and out of place
on the face she had seen so many times in so many pictures with
so much sorrow shining from it.  "I know what I look like, Ms.
Parks.  I'm sorry that my resemblance to him startled you.  I'm
Blair Sandburg.  You met my partner, Jim Ellison, a few days ago. 
He came by to talk to you about Radcliff House and borrowed
Sarah's diaries."

"Your partner?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Oh dear, this is just..."

"Strange?  Overwhelming?"  She was nodding and he smiled at her
again.  "Yeah, that's how we feel too."

She remembered her manners then.  "Please, young man, come in." 
She stepped aside and he entered.  "What was your name again? 
I'm afraid I was still too stunned to grasp it when you said it
before."

"Blair Sandburg.  Blair, please.  I wanted to talk to you about
your father."

"Your friend looks just like my father."

"I know.  I think he, I, we may have been Douglas Dawson and Van
Radcliff.  You know, in a previous..."  he seemed reluctant to
finish.

"In a previous life?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am."  He was blushing and she wondered if Van ever
blushed.  She wondered if he ever smiled like the young man
before her.  

"I asked your Detective Ellison if he believed in reincarnation
but he said no.  I, myself, have never been sure.  At least, not
until now.  And now, it feels a little strange to know that I may
have met my father and he's living a different life in a
different time."  She led him into the living room and motioned
for him to sit down.  He did, a pained look on his face.

"I'm sorry.  Maybe you didn't want to know that," he apologized.

"Oh, Dear, don't you worry about that." She patted his back as
she sat down beside him.  "Besides, I think the only thing
bothering me is that he's younger than me.  Doesn't seem quite
fair, does it?" She hoped the joke would lighten the mood, but 
his smile was not quite as bright this time and she wished that
she had not said anything at all.  She placed one hand on his
leg.  "Blair, if your Jim is my father, and you are Van Radcliff,
then it's fate, destiny that you are here in this time together. 
Daddy didn't get the chance to save Van and it haunted him for
the rest of his life.  Perhaps this is Daddy's second chance. 
I'm happy that he may be getting that second chance."

His smile was brighter again and Camille breathed a sigh of
relief.  "Believe me, Ms. Parks, Jim has saved me more times than
I can recount to you right now."

Camille felt a part of her own soul heal with those words, the
part that had always felt her father's grief over the loss of Van
Radcliff.  "Tell me, what is it I can tell you about Daddy?  He's
one of my favorite subjects, you know."

"Ms. Parks--"

"Camille," she corrected.

"Camille, did your father ever seem to know things that others
didn't perceive?  Like, did he always seem to know where you were
or when it was going to rain long before the clouds rolled in? 
Anything like that."

Camille studied the sincere, sweet face in front of her.  How did
he know?  Unless the man he knew as Jim Ellison was indeed her
beloved father returned to right past wrongs.  She felt like
dancing but settled for telling all her favorite stories instead.

_______________________________________________________________

"Jim!"  Blair burst into the loft.  Jim looked up from his
intense scrutiny of his hands at his partner.  "Dawson was a
Sentinel.  I'm sure of it!  Camille had all these stories and she
was convinced that her father was a psychic.  Kinda like Megan
with you, huh?"

Jim took in his partner's excitement and tried to let it sweep
him away from his dire thoughts but it was not working.  "That's
great, Chief."

His tone instantly gave him away to his perceptive Guide and
Shaman.  "What's wrong?"  The bouncing stopped and Blair's face
was somber as he sat down next to him on the couch.

"I went to see Dr. Winston today," Jim told him flatly.

"Dr. Winston?  Why?"

"Because I wanted to know.  I wanted to be sure."

"And?"

"And now I am sure," his Sentinel said slowly with a nod at the
end to punctuate his certainty.

"Jim, you are not being very informative here."

"I know.  I'm sorry."  He paused and took a moment to gather his
thoughts into something close to discernible sentences.  "Blair,
we have been together for a very long time."

"I take it you don't just mean the last three plus years?"

Jim nodded.  "I was Emisae's Sentinel.  I was Dawson.  I have
accepted that now, once and for all.  Before that, I can't be
absolutely certain but I think I could see you, recognize you in
my life, lives, as far back as we were able to go."

When he met Blair's eyes, they were shining and the younger man
was biting his lower lip in an unsuccessful attempt to hide a
smile.  "I knew it.  I just knew."

"I'm not sure how I feel about this, Blair.  Not being connected
to you.  That I understand, accept, and I'm even grateful for
that.  I want you here in my life.  You're the best friend I've
ever had.  And if I have to do this all over again in some other
life, I want you to be there too. But..."  Jim was not sure how
to go on, how to explain what he was feeling.  True to form,
though, it seemed that Blair just understood.

"It's the going on and on that bothers you, right?  And maybe
that you won't remember this life when it's over like you didn't
remember the ones before this one?"

"And that I might not know you when I see you in that life or
that you might not be there at all.  Chief, I got a million
things running through my head right now.  Questions that nobody
can answer.  Answers that maybe I didn't want but now I have
and I can't go back and forget 'em or never learn 'em in the
first place."

"First of all, Jim, I'll be there.  Maybe not right away, but we
are connected, I'll get there eventually.  Two, nobody has all
the answers and if by chance you got them, you'd feel the same
way about some of them that you already feel about the ones you
got!  Get it?"

Jim chuckled a little.  "Got it."

"Man, I thought I was the one who could and would think something
to death.  You got me beat this time."

Jim swatted his friend's head.  "Okay, new business.  Besides the
info on Dawson, what did you find out today?  Actually, more
importantly, how did you do today?"

"I had a few moments in the library that were a little scary but
once I got buried in research, I could tune them out."

"Sort of like you do me when I remind you of the House Rules?"

"Exactly."

"Then you were fine."

Blair grinned at him.  "Anyway, once I tuned them out, it was
like they couldn't bother me at all.  I didn't even feel them
there.  The only times that I could even feel them at all were
when I really had nothing to do that was preoccupying my mind,
like driving somewhere.  Then I recited lectures in my head and
such.  And with Camille, I was just too fascinated to worry about
it."

"Good, Chief.  I'm glad it wasn't too bad for you.  I was
worried."

"I know you were.  Thanks for that."

"You're welcome.  Now, what do we do about our unwanted guests,
Darwin?"

"We've known that all along, Jim."

"Oh geez!  Please, Blair, you are starting to remind of Incacha
and my rather uncooperative spirit guide.  The whole reason I
went to Winston instead of asking my spirit guide for help with
this is because I'd get another damn riddle or be told that I
already knew what to do!  Straight talk, Chief, please."

Blair smirked at him.  "You know, Jim, maybe that means I'm
finally getting the hang of this Shaman thing if I'm sounding
like Incacha."

"I'd rather you sound like Blair Sandburg, thank you very much. 
Now spill it."

"We have to face them on our territory."

"You said that before.  How do you know that we can do that?"

"Because we've done it before."

"You were dead and I was losing my mind.  If those two things are
prerequisites, I don't like it and I won't do it."

Blair gave him an exasperated look.  "We can do it without bodily
harm or mental breakdowns, Jim."

"You're sure?"

"I have to be, Jim.  Because if we can't, there will be a mental
breakdown to contend with.  I can't live rest of my life like
this."

"Blair, it's more serious than that and you know it.  You'll be
dead again and I'll be right behind you."  Jim touched the bruise
on his partner's face.  

"Like the Strausmans.  Yeah, I know."

"So where to from here?"

"I think Simon should be here, first of all.  We'll need somebody
to monitor us from outside the trance to bring us out if
something goes wrong."

"Trance, I really don't like that word." Jim sighed and rubbed
one hand over his short hair.

"Then use meditation.  At any rate, I'll help you and then I'll
meet you there."

"And I assume you'll be bringing the party crashers with you?"

"Yeah."  He looked down into his lap.  "I hope," he whispered.

"Me too, Chief.  Me too.  When?"

"Tonight.  If Simon can make it."

"Chief, Simon is coming back tonight anyway."

"What a softie." Blair grinned.

"Yeah, just don't let him know you got him figured out.  It'll
drive him crazy.  He likes his stoic, gruff captain image a lot."

"You like your stoic, gruff detective image too.  I'm trying to
cure you of that affliction, though."

"Never happen, Chief."  Jim could not help the smile that spread
over his face, however.  Blair was curing him of that affliction,
little by little each day.  He leaned back and grabbed the remote
from the arm of the couch.  "Simon's bringing dinner so why don't
we just try to relax until he gets here."

"Be normal again for a while before the craziness?"

"Well, at least take a good stab at it, Chief."

"That was bad choice of words, Jim." 

"Guess so.  Do you want a beer?"

"Yeah."

"Then get me one while you're up."  Jim laughed at the look of
disgust on Blair's face.  

"Lazy," Blair accused as he got up and went into the kitchen.  he
returned with two beers.  Jim reached for one but Blair pulled it
back.  "Say please."

"Please and thank you." Jim said politely.

Blair cocked his head to one side and stared at him even as he
allowed Jim to take the beer from his hand.  "That was way too
easy."

"Nah, maybe it's just that I've made it so damn hard lately that
you aren't used to easy anymore."

"Jim, you were never easy.  Especially with thank-yous."

"Sorry."

"Oooo, another thing that was never easy to get from you.  What's
up?"

"I learned a lot today, Blair.  I'm just putting the lessons to
use."

Blair looked at him for a long moment, his face thoughtful. 
"It's too good to last.  I'm not getting my hopes up."  With
that, he turned his attention to the television.

Jim laughed a little and took a long swallow of his beer.  It
would last.  Hopefully, for several lifetimes.

________________________________________________________________

Dinner was over, the table was cleared, and three men sat staring
resolutely at anything except each other in the living room of
apartment 307 at 852 Prospect Place.  An uneasy and unnatural
silence permeated the whole loft and Blair fidgeted just for the
noise it would make.  At least there were no voices in his head. 
Jim was close by, saving him from that torment.  He stilled as no
one responded to his movements anyway and continued to wait for
some sign from Jim that he was ready.  None was forthcoming.  He
felt like he would just explode at any second.  He did not want
to push but he was ready to get this over with and done.  He
opened his mouth to speak but a deep resounding voice beat him to
it.

"Okay, enough stalling.  Let's get this show on the road.  I want
you two back at full operating capacity before Daryl gives me
grandchildren.  Besides, Joel is threatening to come over here
and find out what the hell is going on and kick some ass if he
has to.  So, let's go, get to it.  Sandburg, you're the leader
here.  Lead."

Blair looked from Jim to Simon and back again.  "Ready?" he
whispered softly, knowing the slight tremble in his voice would
be quite clear to the Sentinel.

"As I'll ever be, Chief.  Simon, if I try to hurt him, you do
whatever it takes to stop me."  Jim never took his eyes from
Blair's even though he was addressing his captain.  

"That's not going to happen, Jim.  This is our turf.  We have the
power where we're going." Blair assured him.

"I'll be watching, Jim.  You just do what the kid tells you and
trust him."

"Always." Jim's voice was so solemn and his voice so sincere that
Blair was not sure whether he wanted to smile or cry.  "I just 
have one question."

"What?"

"Will we be us or Dawson and Radcliff?"

Blair blinked.  He had thought of that possibility and decided
that it would not matter.  He had not thought to tell Jim though. 
"I honestly don't know but it won't matter.  We have always been
who we are at the core.  Names and times have changed but we
haven't, Jim.  I believe that."

"Then so do I.  Let's go, Blair."  Jim moved from the couch onto
the floor where Blair had placed pillows and a few candles. 
Blair followed him down and arranged himself so that he was
comfortable.  He lit the candles and waited for the next sign
from Jim.  When it came, it was a short nod as Jim closed his
eyes.

"Okay, Jim.  I need you to relax.  Breathe deep and when you
exhale, do it slowly and consciously relax your body, starting
with your feet and moving up with each breath.  Release all the
tension."

"Easier said than done, Chief."  Jim whispered even as he
followed the instruction.  

"That's it.  You're doing fine."  Blair waited as another breath
was taken and slowly released.  He could see the tension draining
away from his partner.  "Almost there, Jim."

Suddenly, Jim's forehead creased.  "I'm losing control, Chief.  I
can feel her.  God, this is strange."

"Take back control, Jim.  You can do that.  Take it back.  You're
stronger than she is."  Blair could not help the sigh of relief
when Jim's face relaxed again.  "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, but I had some help.  Something else is here."

"Not something, someone.  Sarah."

"Not the kind of help I prefer, Chief."

"Take what you can get, man.  Now, focus.  Put that out of your
mind and complete the relaxation exercise.  Slowly, turn your
focus inward.  You'll do that by shutting down your senses one at
a time.  Start with sight.  Your eyes are closed anyway.  Don't
need it.  Now, smell, dial it down.  Taste. Touch.  Now, focus
all your hearing on me.  My voice, my heart beat, my breathing,
nothing else."  Blair tried to calm his heart beat and breathing
to help his partner but he was a little nervous.  He was forcing
his partner, his Sentinel, to zone out on him.  Scary thought,
but he was following his instincts and they told him that it was
the best way.  "Jim, place yourself in the jungle now.  Be there
in the place where our spirits merged, Jim.  Are you there?"  He
got no answer.  "God, I hope you're there, Jim," he whispered. 
He turned to Simon.  "Check on us periodically.  Make sure we're
both breathing.  I can't give you a time limit or anything.  Just
try to be patient and don't panic unless we stop breathing.  In
that case--"

"In that case, you'll both wake up to find your butts in the damn
hospital and me in the psychiatric ward.  Be careful, Blair." 
Simon's big hand closed over his shoulder and he touched it for a
moment before turning to face Jim again.  

"I'm on my way, Jim."  He closed his eyes.

_____________________________________________________________

Jim could still hear Blair but he did not think that Blair could
hear him.  He listened as his guide's heartbeat and breathing
slowed indicating a state of relaxation.  He waited, a soft warm
jungle breeze blowing around him, his spirit guide at his feet. 
The jaguar's rumbling purr soothed him and he reached down to
sink one hand into the animal's fur.  Suddenly, however, its
rumbling stopped and it was on its feet, a deep growl coming from
its throat.  Then Jim heard them.  He could still hear his
partner but now he could distinctly hear two female voices as
well.  The jungle grew dark around him and the wind picked up. 
Jim took a deep breath to prepare for what was coming.  A wolf
howled and Jim's spirit guide bolted in the direction of the
sound.  He followed, knowing exactly where the animal was headed. 
To his Guide.  

Jim crashed through a tangle of vines, into a clearing and
came face to face with Blair's nightmares.  Two women stood
there, separated from his fallen Guide by a snarling wolf.  Thank
God for spirit guides, Jim thought fleetingly as his own joined
the wolf.  His next step snapped a twig underneath his feet and
the women whirled to face him.  Blair was pulling himself up from
the ground and Jim hurried to help him.

"Devil Child!" Maggie screamed at Blair and Jim moved himself
between her and his friend.  "You can't protect him, Dawson!  He
has to die!"

"No!" Sarah Radcliff wailed and pulled on her sister's arm.  "You
can't, Maggie!  He's free.  Don't you see?  You did free him. 
Let him live!"

"You're dead.  It's time for you to go to hell where you belong."
Jim told the women before him.

"Jim, wait."  Blair touched his shoulder and then moved to stand
beside him.  "Maggie, I know you loved me."

"Blair, what the hell kind of strategy is that?" Jim whispered
but Blair ignored him.

"You're the spawn of the Devil.  No one can love you!"

"And that's why you killed me, isn't it?  You thought that I was
doomed to be unloved.  You thought that I would live like you,
miserable and full of hate and pain, so you ended my suffering. 
Isn't that right?"

Maggie shoved her sister away.  "She dirtied you like Father
dirtied me.  Who would want you after what she had done?  It was
time to end all our shame.  But you came back so that my shame
would never end!  You have to die, Devil Child, so that I can
die!"  She stepped toward Blair again, bringing more snarls from
the wolf and a roar of anger from the jaguar that protected the
both of them.

"Lady, you are already dead!" Jim screamed at her just as a
streak of lightning split the sky.

"No, Maggie.  I came back to help you let go.  I'm not holding
you here.  You are.  You can't let go of the hate you have for
yourself, for Sarah."  Blair ignored him again and took another
step toward Maggie only to have his wolf nudge him back.  Jim
decided that he would have to find a way to get a spirit bone to
the spirit animal.  Blair only glanced down at the animal then
back up at Maggie.  "Your hate is holding you here, Maggie.  I
moved on.  You can too.  And you know what?  I know you loved me
at least a little because I did move on."

"Maggie, listen to him!"  Sarah Radcliff pleaded.

"Shut up!  You sullied my child!  You did this to him! To us! 
Compounded one crime with another and cursed us all!" Maggie
turned on her sister and pushed the woman down.  "So I curse you! 
And you!" She whirled back to pin Jim with a cold stare.  "You
tried to take him away from me but I took him back!  What right
did you have to take my child?"

"Every right.  You lost your rights to Van when you tortured and
abused him.  And you never had any rights to Blair in the first
place.  He hasn't been yours for a hundred years, bitch, and even
then he belonged with me."

The sky opened up and sheets of cold rain poured down on them as
she screamed and tore at her hair.  "I'll make you kill him!  You
will suffer his loss again, Dawson!  I swear it!"

Jim felt a pressure bearing down on him and his hand moved to the
knife in his belt that he had not noticed before.  Of course, it
made sense for it to be there.  He had always carried a knife in
the jungle.  Something heavy and black hit his chest then,
knocking him to the ground, and he found himself looking into the
gold eyes of the jaguar.  He looked around the great cat to see
that the wolf had maneuvered Blair away from both him and the
Radcliffs.  He tried to rise but the cat refused to let him. 
Then he heard Blair.

"No! Maggie, please!  It won't matter if you kill me again or if
you have him kill me.  You will still be trapped here.  Don't you
understand?"

"I'll kill you myself!  These minions of Satan won't stop me!"
She flung her hands out at the spirit guides.  "I'll find a way! 
You can't stop me, Van!  Sarah can't stop me."

Jim glanced at the other woman.  She lay on the ground where
Maggie had pushed her as though she could not rise.  Her mouth
was open, her face twisted, but there was no sound to her
screams.

Blair gasped then bringing Jim's attention back to his Guide. 
His face reflected the pain he was feeling even as his hand rose
to his chest.  "Maggie, don't!"

"You see?  You thought you could fight me, Van, but you always
lost, didn't you?  You'll lose again here.  Here, in this place
you call yours, and you still can't stop me.  I ended your pain
quickly last time and perhaps that's why you didn't learn your
lesson.  Maybe this time you should suffer like Sarah did."

Sarah's screams were no longer silent and Jim tried to dislodge
the large cat on his chest, the compulsion to attack his Guide
returning full-force.  The animal raised one great paw to him and
roared his outrage and Jim stilled, the compulsion not gone but
quieted somewhat by the jaguar's physical control of his body and
his mental connection with Jim's mind and soul.  When he was able
to move again at all, he turned his head to see Sarah Radcliff's
body covered in numerous cuts.  Blood flowed from them and soaked
through her dress.  Her hair was turning from blonde to red and
Jim grimaced and turned away from the gruesome sight in time to
see Blair fall to his knees.

"Why?"  Blair asked softly, his hand still clutched to his chest
and turning red with blood.

"NO!" Jim screamed to the black sky above him but he could do no
more for the heavy weight on his chest.  Even then his scream
of denial was drowned out by roar of anguish from the jaguar and
a howl of pain from the wolf.  The cat was gone from him all at
once and Jim did not have to look to know where it was going.  He
closed his eyes and felt himself merge with the animal.  From
behind its eyes, Jim watched as his spirit guide lunged toward
the monster that was trying to destroy his Guide.  *Yes*, he
urged it on.  His hopes shattered, however, when Blair blocked
them from their target, the younger man, still on his knees,
wrapping his arms around the cat.  

"Please don't, Jim.  Let me try once more, please!" he whispered,
pleaded.

*No, Blair!* Jim tried to protest, but he was still one with the
jaguar and so another roar was the only sound that escaped. 
Blair petted the animal's fur.

"I can do this, Jim.  I have to do this."  Blair's voice was so
sorrowful and yet so sure.  Jim was not sure which of them made
the decision, he or the spirit guide, but the cat sat back on his
haunches and Jim felt the connection break.  He was back in his
own body and he sat up slowly, shaking his head to clear the
disorientation of the experience so he could try to help his
partner.

"They can't save you!  You're dying!  Just like you should!"

"But why?"  Blair asked the woman again, the pain he was
suffering clearly conveyed by his trembling words.

"Because I love you!  I won't let you suffer anymore!  Not at my
hands, not at hers!" She pointed to Sarah.  "Not at anyone's!" 
Tears flowed down her cheeks.  

"But I'm suffering now.  At your hands.  Please, Maggie.  It
doesn't have to be like this."

"Yes, it does, because you refuse to learn!  How many times did I
have to lock you in the attic because of him."  She flung her
hand toward Jim.

"I couldn't help it.  I belonged with him.  It was meant to be. 
We have always been connected.  You know that, Maggie, don't
you?"

"NO!  Don't you understand?  That just proves that you aren't
free!  You are trapped with him just as we are trapped in this
cursed existence!  He hasn't freed you!  He holds you back from
freedom!" she cried.

"No.  That's not the way things are with us, Maggie."  Blair told
the woman calmly as Jim's mind raced and wondered if Blair
recognized the irony of the woman's words.  She sounded like
Naomi.  "Please, Maggie.  I want to live.  I want to be where I
am.  I have chosen freely.  I am free."  Jim was finally on his
feet and he stumbled, weak and still a little disoriented, toward
his partner.

The woman's face turned even colder.  "You will never be free. 
You will never be loved.  I can't let you live that way!  Don't
you see?  You're my only child!  My beautiful child conceived in
hate!  What love will you ever know?"  She was not going to
listen, Jim lamented.  If Blair failed to make her understand,
they would be forced to destroy her.  Blair wanted so badly to
save her.  His Guide would be crushed.  He placed his hand on
Blair's shoulder.

"I know love, Maggie.  Maybe not back then, although Dawson did
care about me.  But I definitely know it now.  I have a mother,
and I have friends and I have Jim."  Blair put his hand over
Jim's and glanced at him.  "I'm loved, Maggie.  There's been some
rough spots but we all have those."  He might have been speaking
to Maggie Radcliff but his eyes were locked with Jim's and Jim
smiled and nodded at the truth of the words.  Blair returned the
smile and then turned back to Maggie.  "You did it, Maggie.  I am
free.  Now, it's time for you to be free.  And for Sarah too. 
Let go, Maggie."

"I won't let him have you!" she screamed at Blair.

"You don't have a choice." Jim told her flatly.  "You never did
and you never will."

"He's my best friend, Maggie.  My brother in all but blood. 
We've shared lifetimes.  Our spirits are entwined, our destiny is
the same.  That's gotta be love and it's the best kind of
freedom.  The freedom to share yourself with someone and be
accepted, just the way you are.  You never had that and I'm so
sorry.  I wish I had been able to give you that back then but I
wasn't.  But what I can give you now is peace and hopefully
another chance at love and freedom like I've found.  Take it,
take the chance.  Let go!"        

Jim could see indecision replace the cold hatred in the green
eyes before them and then saw the indecision change into
acceptance. "You must hate me."  The woman's voice was subdued. 

The rain stopped and Jim marvelled at his partner's brave and
caring spirit as he realized that Blair had indeed accomplished
what he set out to do.  He was going to save them all with just
the power of his heart.  

"No, Mama.  I don't."

Jim watched Sarah Radcliff fade away before his eyes and the sky
cleared.  The storm was over as quickly as it had begun and the
blood that had soaked through Blair's shirt and covered his hand
was gone, as though it had never been there at all.  "Blair?"

"Almost over, Jim." Blair whispered softly.  "You were my mother
once," he said to the woman standing before them.  "I could never
hate you."  This time when he took a step toward the woman, the
wolf did not stop him and Jim tried to hold onto his shoulder 
but Blair brushed his hand away.  "None of it was your fault,
Mama.  I don't hate you and I don't blame you.  Let go.  Sarah's
gone, already.  I know you're tired. It's time to rest."  Jim
watched as his partner took Maggie Radcliff into his arms and
held her.  Her arms wrapped around him as well and then she faded
away.  Blair took a deep breath and turned back to him.  "It's
over.  It's time to go back." Blair told him as he looked up at
the cloudless sky above them.

___________________________________________________________

Jim's eyes snapped open and met Blair's.  "It worked."  Blair
smiled.

"Of course, it worked."  Jim tried to sound confident but in
truth he could not help but stare, in awe of his Guide.

Simon was on his feet over them.  "So?  So?"

"We're fine, Simon.  It's over."  Jim told his captain.

"They're gone then?"

"Yeah.  They're gone.  They're free."

"I think they got off too damn easy, Chief."

"No, Jim, they didn't.  Imagine one hundred years of pain and
hate and shame.  No, they served their time in hell.  I hope
they've gone on to a better place, maybe even a whole new better
life."

"You're a better man than me, Sandburg," Simon commented as he
plopped back down into the chair.

"Nah, you would have done the same."

"I don't think so but thank you for thinking that of me, Blair. 
Are you two sure you're all right?"

"We're sure, Simon."  Jim glanced at his watch.  What had seemed
to him less than half an hour had actually been three hours.  "I
hope you weren't too worried.  I had no idea we'd been, well, you
know, this long.  It's late.  Aren't you supposed to leave early
in the morning on your trip with Daryl?"

"Yes.  I just need to know that you are truly all right.

"Simon, really, we are fine." Blair grinned.  

"In that case, I'm getting the hell out of here.  Besides,
Sandburg is going to want to talk this to death and I'd rather go
home, get a good night's sleep, and get the abridged version on
Monday than get caught up in that.  I'll see you bright and early
Monday morning, gentlemen."  The big man scooped up his coat from
the arm of the chair and then he was gone before either of them
could get up from the floor to walk him out.

"He sure made a hasty exit." Blair smiled.

"It's part of the stoic, gruff captain thing."

"Yeah.  He was about to blow it to hell and back there for a
minute though."  Blair was smiling brightly.

"Yeah, he was." Jim returned the smile, thanking the powers that
be once again for good friends.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, are you?"  Jim asked.  

"Fine.  Got a lot to process but I'm okay.  I don't even wanna
talk this to death like Simon thinks.  I just want to go to bed
myself."

"Sounds like a winner to me, Chief."

Blair started to get up but stopped suddenly.  He held up one
hand.  "Jim, look at this."  

Jim touched his hand and then pulled the long blonde hair from
it.  "Oh shit." Jim whispered, remembering the blonde hair he had
found in Radcliff House.  It was just the same length and just
the same color.

"No kidding."

"Wanna talk now?" Jim asked.

"Hell no.  Good night, Jim."

"Good night, Chief."  Jim chuckled as his Guide nearly ran into
his room and closed the doors behind him.  Jim stopped laughing,
however, as he looked back down at the hair he held in his hand
and wondered.

____________________________________________________________  

A soft touch to his hair roused him from sleep just a little. 
"Jim?" he asked sleepily, wondering why his partner was in his
room.

"Sleep," a voice whispered in his ear.  It did not sound like
Jim.  

"Maggie?"  He opened his eyes to find himself in the Radcliff
garden.  "Oh no," he sighed.

She was there and Blair was tempted to run for a moment until he
noticed her eyes.  They were different now.  The cold fury that
had shined from them was gone.  She smiled and he felt his skin
warm at the brilliance of it.  "Don't be afraid, Blair."

He was confused.  "You called me Blair, not Van?"

"You aren't my Van anymore.  I see that and I understand."

Blair took a step toward her.  "Why are we here?"

"I wanted to say good-bye and thank you.  I'm free now.  Be happy
and know that I did love you."  The scene around him began to
fade and so did she.

"You be happy too, Maggie."  

_____________________________________________________________

Jim was furious.  He was standing in that damned garden again. 
It was supposed to be over.  Well, if they wanted his Guide, they
were going to be in for a fight.

Laughter reached his ears and he turned to find Maggie Radcliff
standing a few feet away.  "I mean you no harm," she told him.

"It's not me I'm worried about."

She half-smiled.  "I know.  I just wanted to tell him good-bye,
Mr. Ellison."

"I'd rather you didn't.  Just leave him alone."

"I already have.  I promise I didn't upset him."

"Then why bug me?"

"To ask for a favor I don't deserve."

Jim looked her over suspiciously.  "Which is?"

"Take care of him."

"I do that anyway, Lady."

"I suppose I knew that.  You were right.  He never did belong to
me.  I can see your bond to him.  He knew that I could.  May it
last for all eternity, Mr. Ellison."  She was fading away.

Jim sat up in bed.  Hurriedly, he threw the covers aside and
raced to the bottom of the stairs.  Blair was there, only a few
steps away.  Their eyes met.

"I think we need to talk after all," Jim stated solemnly.

"Yeah, I think so.  You know, Jim, I meant every word I said to
her.  About us, I mean."

"I know.  Thank you for that.  Sometimes I don't deserve that
kind of loyalty and I know it.  I still hold back and sometimes I
just can't say what needs to be said."

"I know.  But we can work with it, around it, through it,
whatever it takes.  We'll have to. We might be stuck with each
other for a very long time."

"Chief, I hate to tell you this, but I think Maggie Radcliff just
cursed us to spend an eternity together."

"You saw her, too?" Blair was incredulous.

"Oh yeah.  She asked me to take care of you.  Evidently, she is
unaware of my Blessed Protector status."  Jim grinned.

"Guess so.  She thanked me and said goodbye.  She even called me
Blair instead of Van."

"Well, I'll be damned.  I didn't catch it before but she didn't
call me Dawson.  I didn't rank first name basis but at least she
got the last name right."

Blair almost smiled but Jim could see the wheels turning behind
his blue eyes.  "Jim?"

"Yeah, Chief?"

"Is it really a curse?  You said she 'cursed' us.  Do you really
feel cursed?"

Jim felt like kicking himself in the ass.  "No, Buddy, it's not a
curse.  I don't feel cursed at all.  I feel blessed.  That's what
I feel."  Jim put his arm around Blair's shoulders and led the
younger man to the couch.  He gently pushed Blair down and then
sat beside him.  

Blair really smiled then.  "Yeah.  That's what I feel too. 
Blessed."

"Whatever comes, Chief, we'll face it together."

"In that case, the opposition doesn't stand a chance."

"You got that right."  Jim picked up the remote control. 
"There's a Stephen King movie on the late show, Chief.  What do
you say?"

"Jim, I've been living in a Stephen King movie.  No thank you. 
Hate that guy now."

Jim laughed.  

"Go ahead, laugh.  I'm outta here."  Blair was up and halfway to
his room before Jim got himself under control again.

"Good night, Chief," he called. "Sweet dreams."

"Oh funny, Ellison.  Good night.  Just for that, I hope you dream
about every Stephen King movie ever made.  Oooo, 'Misery' should
be a fun one.  Wonder if I can talk Maggie into coming back for
that one." His Guide was more muttering than anything else but
with Jim's ears, he could hear it all.  "There's that one about
the clown, but hey, that won't work, you are the clown around
here."  The French doors closed and Jim could not control himself
any longer.  He burst into laughter again.  "I can hear you out
there, Ellison!  And remember, no flushing after ten!"

Blair reminding him of the House Rules, that did it.  Jim nearly
fell off the couch.  At that moment, he knew that no matter how
many lifetimes he had left before him, he would always have at
least some happiness.  Blair would be with him.  

_______________________________________________________________

Voila'
Notes:  Nickerbits, hope you like it!  Thanks again for bidding
for my work.  That goes for everyone who bid, too!  It's a
wonderful compliment!  It means a lot to me!  The name Emisae is
part real and part my own invention.  Misae is a Native American
name that means "white hot sun."  I just added an "E" and altered
the meaning ever so slightly.  I thought it sort of fit Blair. 
He does shine, doesn't he? <g>