Wages of Sin part 5b

Danae

Disclaimers/Warnings: see part 1

“So, you going to sit there all afternoon staring at the TV and refusing to talk to me?”

Jim took his eyes off the TV screen long enough to glare at the man sitting on the other end of his couch. “If you don’t like it, Pete, you can leave.”

“I told Captain Banks I’d stay with you.”

“I don’t need a fucking babysitter.”

“You know, Jim, there was a time that I would have agreed with you, but not now. You are a mess, my friend.”

“I don’t recall asking your opinion.”

“When have I ever had to be asked?” Pete smirked at him and it irritated Jim. “Well, if I’m not going to get an answer, I’m going to take a nap. I’ll just crash in Blair’s room.”

“No!” It was so irrational, but suddenly, Jim could not let anyone in that room. “That room is off limits. I don’t want you in there.”

“Jim, I’m just going to sleep. I won’t even pull down the covers.”

“I just don’t want anybody in there.”

“Anybody but Blair?”

“I don’t want to talk about this with you.”

“Then what the hell do you want to do, Jim? I mean, you’ve told me all the things you don’t want to do, talk about, or deal with, but tell me, Jim, what do you want to do? Can’t be sit here and vegetate. That’s not the Jim I know and I gotta tell you, man, Jerry Springer is going to get real old, real fast.”

“You want to know what I want?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure about that?”

“Spit it out, man. We’re not getting any younger.”

“I want you to go away. I want you to leave me the hell alone. You and everybody else, just leave me alone. That’s what I want!”

Pete sighed and got up from the couch. “Fine. I’ll leave you alone. I’m going to go in Blair’s room and take a nap.” He turned and started for the French doors.

“No! Damn it, Pete! I mean it, stay out of there!”

“Make me, Jim.”

“Son of a bitch!” Jim jumped over the couch and went after him. He grabbed the man by the collar and swung him into the wall. “That’s his room! You will not go in his room!” He knew he was screaming. He knew that he was making no sense. Then Pete had a hold on him. The man obviously remembered his hand-to-hand skills because he got Jim down before Jim realized that he had lost control of him. “Let me go!” He threw Pete off and swung at him, but Pete had the advantage of being the one standing. The man simply moved back and Jim did not have the reach to connect. “You bastard!”

“You done now?”

“Not by a long shot.” Jim launched himself at him. He tried to move again but Jim caught his ankle and tripped him. Pete swore as he hit the floor and Jim felt a moment of satisfaction. While Jim was patting himself on the back, however, Pete rolled and was back on his feet before Jim could even think to stop him. Jim found that he could not think at all. A sob rose up in his throat and he tried to shove it back down. It nearly choked him as it forced its way up.

“Jim?”

“Get out, Pete,” he ground out through clenched teeth. “I need to be alone.”

“You don’t need to be alone, Jim. You need to talk to somebody about this. The guilt is eating you up, man. Okay, so you screwed up. We all do from time to time. It’s only when we don’t do whatever we can do to fix our fuck-ups that we fail. Geez, Jim, look at me.” Pete laughed ruefully. “I have to be the worst fuck-up I know. Well, besides you. I do what I can and move on.”

“He’s not going to forgive me. Even if he ever comes out of it, he won’t forgive me. He hates me. He said so. And I can’t take it, Pete. I took my mother leaving. I took my dad’s never being there to start with. I even took Carolyn leaving me but Jesus! God, I don’t want to lose that one damn, annoying, loyal, stupid, brilliant kid! But you know, I know I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I don’t deserve to have him stay. Why the hell did he have to care so damn much!? If he’d just stayed the damn researcher he was supposed to be, I wouldn’t have had to feel this way! Do you know what this feels like? It feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest! He’s my family! Was my family. I don’t know if I can go back to being alone.”

“You are only alone if you choose to be, Jim. There are people who care about you. So they aren’t Blair. Are you going to turn them away for that?”

“Go away, Pete.”

“No. Stop sitting in the floor feeling sorry for yourself, Jim. Life goes on, man. I would also like to say that I don’t think you’re right about Blair. I think he’ll forgive you. It may take some time but he doesn’t strike me as someone who holds a grudge for long. Oh, and I am going in that room and going to sleep. Jump me again, Jim, and I’ll show you some moves Alex taught me.”

Jim let him go. He watched the man disappear behind the doors to Blair’s room. He knew the resentment he felt toward Pete was ridiculous, yet he could not seem to escape the feeling that the man was an interloper invading his friend’s territory. “I am so fucked up.”

“Thanks, Gramps.” Kit hung up the phone and turned to Jesse.

“What’d he say?”

“He said that I needed to piss him off.”

“Are you serious?”

Kit nodded. “He said that Blair has been trying to cut himself off from his emotions, hiding on the spirit paths to keep from facing how he feels. Anger is a very strong emotion. If I were to make him angry, not scared, not hurt, but really angry, it could shock him into finally facing his anger and in turn, who he is really angry with.”

“Oh, that doesn’t bode well for Ellison.” Jesse was grinning.

“And you sound so heart-broken over that.” Kit returned the grin.

“Oh, yeah. Devastated. But I thought he was already mad at you.”

“No, more like hurt. He thought I tried to trick him, but we made peace with that earlier.”

“That is so weird. It’s like you guys had a conversation or something the way you put it, but I know you didn’t.”

“But we did, just not here.”

“Weird.”

Kit shrugged. “I think Banks’ girlfriend agrees with you. So, you going to keep him from killing me when I do this or what?”

“Sure. Why not? Got nothing better to do.”

“Well, gee, I can feel the love in this room.”

Jesse laughed at him. “I love ya, dude. Really, I do. I just love me better.”

Kit tried to think of a suitable comeback but nothing came to mind. Besides, one look at Jess’s self-satisfied grin and all he could do was laugh. “You are so bad.”

“And so good at it.”

“Come on, Narcissus. Let’s do this.”

“Hey, Narcissus was a sissy-boy. I want to be one of the heroes, man. Like Hercules.”

“Killed his own kids.”

“Oh. Okay, Oedipus.”

“He fell in love with his mother.”

“Ewwww, not him. What the hell was the guy’s name then?”

“Odysseus?”

“Yeah! Him. He was cool.”

“And people say I’m weird?”

The black jaguar had been so close. For a while, he could see the cat’s eyes, feel them drilling holes in him. The thing had retreated now, back into the jungle. It was not gone; it was still there, off in the distance, because he could hear it every now and then and catch a glimpse of black flickering through the brush. The shaman had visited him again. He gripped the flimsy paper in his hand and stared at the wolf drawn there. He supposed it was a peace offering. It was unnecessary. He had already decided that the jaguar’s return was not the fault of the shaman.

Something moved in the jungle then and he turned his full attention to it. It was not the jag. It was the cougar, the shaman. He smiled as it mounted the steps, slowly changing into the man he knew. The shaman stopped, however, before reaching the top of the steps.

“Why are you here?” the man asked.

He could only stare at his questioner. It should have been obvious to the shaman why he was there.

“He is out there. He is living while you die here.”

The words shocked him. He stood and shook his head.

“Yes. He has a life. He goes on. You, you cower here afraid of living, afraid of life. You are dying. Your body will live on but your soul will die. Is that what you want?”

He shook his head again.

“Then you must leave here. You must live, not just exist. This way, he wins. He gets to walk away without facing his lies and betrayal, without facing you, without consequences. You must make him face the consequences, and you.”

He turned away from the man. He did not want to hear anymore.

“If you do not, you fail.”

He spun back around to glare at the man. How dare he judge him?

“You are a shaman. You and I are brothers. We have a responsibility to the world to teach, to guide, to heal. You remain here and you fail. You remain here and you are the same as he is. You betray yourself and others by failing to live up to your responsibilities. Is that what you want? Do you want to fail?”

The man’s words hurt. He tried to deny them but he could not. Perhaps it was true. Perhaps he was a failure. He sank down to the temple floor again.

“Get up! Is it time for your pity party? No! It’s time to make him pay. Why should he get his life back while you suffer here? Why should you be the only one who pays for what he did? Get up!”

He could not get up. He never wanted to get up again. The shaman was right, in so many ways, but what could he do? Was there anything he could have done to prevent what had happened to his life? What was left of that life now? What was left of who he was? And yet, why should the jaguar win?

“I thought you were strong. I thought you were powerful. Maybe I was wrong.” The man was gone before he was able to lift his head.

“Damn it!” Kit flew out of the patio chair and flung it backward.

“What?” Jesse had never seen Kit lose control before and it scared the hell out of him.

“I fucked that up so bad. I need to call my granddad again. I need him out here. I’m messing this up! I thought if I told him that Ellison was out here living his life again, that would piss him off. Nope. I thought that if I accused him of being a failure that would piss him off. Hell, no, all that did was send him deeper. I’m an idiot.” His friend was pacing and nearly tearing out his hair as he snatched impatiently at the braid. It was a nervous habit Kit had. When he was upset about something, he would fiddle with his hair, especially if it was braided.

“You’re not an idiot. You tried, man. That’s all you could do. We’ll figure out something else.” Jesse walked over to Kit and placed a hand on the man’s shoulder. “Give yourself a break.”

“Where is he?”

At first, neither of them registered that it was not one of them who had spoken. Jesse realized it first. He turned. “Blair?”

“Holy shit!” Kit spun, nearly knocking Jesse down with the sudden movement. Both of them stood with their mouths open staring at Blair Sandburg.

“Where is he?”

“Umm, Jim?” Jesse asked.

A small snarl was the answer.

“He’s at home, I think,” Jesse said.

“Take me there.”

Jesse looked at Kit. “Kit?”

Kit nodded, still looking at Blair instead of Jess. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“Kit! Are you sure?” Jesse whispered.

“It’ll be fine. Call Pete and Simon Banks. Tell them the news. I’m going to take Blair home.”

“Oh, this is going to be bad, Kit. So very bad.” Jesse looked at Blair and hardly recognized him. Between the haircut and the hatred and fury in his eyes, he hardly looked like the same person that Jesse had gone to El Salvador with nearly two years before.

“Come on.” Kit ignored him and motioned for Blair to come with him.

Blair got up and walked past them both, into the house, and headed for the front door.

“Just call Banks and Pete. I won’t let him kill him. Pete’s there with Ellison, right? Between the two of us, we’ll make sure Ellison lives.”

Jess watched them go, shaking his head. It was going to be bad.

Pete’s cell phone rang and he rolled over on Blair’s bed to grab his jacket. Pulling the phone from the pocket, he thumbed the folding phone open and pulled up the antenna with his teeth. “Devereaux.”

“Kit’s on his way with Blair. Pete, he just came out of it and he’s pissed! Man, is he pissed! It’s gonna be bad, Pete. You better get ready.”

“Fuck!” Pete rolled off the bed and to his feet. “Okay, just back up. Blair is—um, what? Awake? And on his way here with Kit and he’s pissed? Who’s pissed, Blair or Kit?”

“Blair, stupid! Are you even listening to me? Geez!”

“Jess, calling your boss stupid is kinda not kosher.”

“Pete, get your head out of your ass. You got bigger things to worry about right now than me calling you stupid.”

Jesse was very agitated. Pete would have laughed had the situation not been so serious and had he not realized that Jess would have paid him back for it later. “Okay, Jess, just calm down. I’ll handle it.”

“Well, I’m on my way too. Kit left me but I called a cab.”

“Okay. Just chill out. Everything will be fine.”

“Yeah, I wanna hear you say that after you see Blair.” The connection ended abruptly and Pete stared at the phone in his hand. How bad could it be? Sandburg was not a violent person, so how bad could it be? He figured he had better warn Jim though. He threw the phone on the bed and headed out into the loft to find Jim. “Jim! News, buddy!”

Jim appeared at the top of the steps that led to his bedroom. “What?”

“Blair’s on his way here.”

“What!?”

“He came out of it and he’s coming. Kit is bringing him.”

Jim nearly ran down the stairs. “He’s okay? He’s really okay?”

“Well, I don’t know about okay. Jess says he’s mad as hell.”

“Yeah, yeah. But he’s coherent and moving and talking?” Pete was amazed as he watched the normally stoic, quiet Jim Ellison work himself into a frenzy. The man was pacing and gesturing wildly.

“Yeah. Umm, Jim, why don’t you sit down?”

“No, need to get ready. You go straighten his room. I don’t want him to know you were there. He’s upset enough. The door!” He raced to the door and unlocked it.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“He doesn’t have his keys, remember? I had to get the spare from Simon to even get in here. I don’t want him to be locked out of his home. He can’t be locked out. I’ll make tea.”

“You have lost your mind. That’s it; you’re insane. Calm down!” Pete grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him toward the living room once again. He practically had to drag the man to the sofa and push him down on it. “Listen to me, Jim. We have no idea what he’s going to be like or what he’s going to do. Just be calm and if he wants tea, then we’ll make some. He may just want to punch your lights out and leave, you know.”

“I want him to come home to stay.”

“I know, but don’t get your hopes up, Jim. This could go one of a hundred different ways.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Are you relatively calm and sane now?”

“Hell no. I feel like I’m about to break into a million pieces. However, I will sit here and wait.”

“Well, that’s all I ask for then.”

The air in the car nearly vibrated with tension. Or perhaps, the sense of vibration was real. Kit thought he could see Blair shaking with rage when he hazarded glances at his passenger. Neither of them had spoken since they left Banks’ house. It was a good thing that he knew where he was going because it did not seem as though Blair was willing or able to give directions. As Kit pulled into a parking space outside 852 Prospect, he looked to his passenger once again. Blair, on the other hand, did not look at him. He was out of the car and running into the building before Kit got the car switched off. Kit swore and followed quickly. He ran up the steps and rounded the third floor landing only seconds behind Blair. Blair went straight for the door of 307 so fast that Kit thought to himself that if the door was locked, Blair would knock himself out on it because he would not be able to stop. The door was not locked, however, and Blair disappeared through it. Kit entered the doorway just in time to see Blair Sandburg punch Jim Ellison right in the face. Ellison stumbled and almost fell back onto the sofa that he had obviously risen from in the first place. He regained his balance though, but not for long as Blair punched him again. Ellison staggered back and fell hard on the floor. Kit could not help the sympathetic grimace. For a long moment, Blair stood over him. Pete moved toward them.

“No, leave him alone!” Ellison ordered.

Pete looked to Kit, confusion clearly written on his face. Kit shrugged at his boss then motioned for Pete to join him by the door. Pete walked slowly and quietly toward Kit.

“Blair…” Ellison started but he was cut off by Blair’s scream of rage. Suddenly, the coffee table was upended, but it was just the beginning of the rampage. Ellison simply sat on the floor while Blair Sandburg destroyed the room around him. The end tables went next, the lamps shattering.

Pete moved again but Kit caught his arm and shook his head.

Blair cleared the bookshelves then stopped for a split second before racing off to his room. Still Ellison sat on the floor, his head in his hands. When Blair appeared again, he held in his hands dozens of notebooks. He stalked over to Ellison and flung them on the floor. He dropped to his knees and began ripping them up. Ellison grabbed his hands but let him go quickly when Blair threw a half-torn notebook in his face.

“Blair! What are you doing? Stop! Stop, okay?” Ellison pleaded. He began to frantically gather the tattered pages.

Kit pulled Pete from the loft and closed the door after them.

“Kit! I don’t think this is a good idea!” Pete protested.

“He won’t really hurt him. Not any more. He just needs to get some things said and they need privacy for that.” Kit stood directly in front of the door to keep Pete from trying to go back inside.

“You’re sure of that?”

“Well, not one hundred percent but pretty sure.”

“I hope like hell you know what you’re doing.”

Kit shrugged. “Actually, I’m winging it. Learned that from you, Pete.”

Pete made a face at him and swore but gave in, and Kit said a short prayer that he was right.

“Blair? Chief? What is all this? I know it’s not your sentinel research. What are you doing!?” Jim could not keep up with what went with what as he tried to scoop up torn paper.

“It was my life!” The scream cut deep into Jim’s soul. Dark, furious blue eyes pinned him in place. He found he could not even seem to breathe underneath that gaze. “And it’s worth nothing!”

“No, Blair, that’s not true!”

“Nothing! I have nothing! I am nothing! You took it all away! This! This is who I was!” He grabbed up the shredded paper and shook it in Jim’s face. “This is what I wanted! Until you. Then all I wanted was to be your guide. To be your friend! And you turned me away! I came back. You pushed me away and I stayed. Then you destroyed it all. Why? Why, Jim!?”

“I didn’t know. I swear it. I didn’t know. They made me forget, Blair, and when I remembered I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I don’t know what to say.” Jim knew that he sounded tired, even pathetic, but he could not seem to care. He had to get through to his guide.

Blair was shaking his head, a look of disgust and disbelief on his expressive face. He did not believe Jim and Jim’s heart sank. “I remember the words, Ellison. ‘I have a guide, Sandburg.’ That’s what you said! You left me! Left me for them, for her!”

“No, Blair, I absolutely did not know that she was there! I swear to you.”

“Liar! You had to know! You’re a fucking sentinel! You knew!”

“Blair, think. After the jungle, I couldn’t feel her. She wasn’t a sentinel anymore. I didn’t feel her.”

There was a moment of hesitation before Blair spoke again. “Doesn’t matter. You still left me. I can still see you standing there in your uniform telling me to do what I was told. You bastard! I threw away my life to save you from people like those and you left me with them!”

“I’m sorry. I was trying to figure out how to get you out of it.”

“Oh, right!” He flung more paper in Jim’s face and got up. “Why should I believe you?! You never believed me! I didn’t do it, I told you. I told you I’d do anything to make it right. You treated me like something on the bottom of your fucking shoe. I knew I screwed up but I admitted it. I did something about it. Do you remember what I did, Jim? I threw away all I had worked for all my fucking life for you! I was going to become a cop! You think I didn’t realize that I had absolutely no future with the department? Nobody would ever trust me. How could I take the stand in a trial? If anything happened to you, I’d be out on my ass or dead so fast it would make my head spin. And that fucking gun! I hated it. Everyday, I dreaded it. But I was going to do it for you.” Jim flinched at the bitter tone as he watched Blair pace back and forth in front of him. “Ain’t that a laugh? For you. While you lied to me, and ignored me, and pushed me away, I was becoming someone that I was not for you. Now? Now, I’m nothing. I don’t have anything. I’m not a teacher. I’m not a student. I’m not a cop. Hell, I’m not even your guide. What the hell am I, Jim? Who the hell am I now?”

“You’re Blair. And you can--”

“Blair is nothing. No one. Inconsequential, except as a example to children of what not to be, what not to do.”

“You’re not inconsequential to me, Blair. Please, please, let me try to make this up to you. Please let me regain your trust. And your friendship.”

Blair glared at him. “Why? Let me guess. I don’t see your ‘new’ guide. What happened? He didn’t work out? Got tired of your stupid house rules and your special brand of one-sided friendship already? Need your ‘old’ guide back, no matter how annoying and useless he may be. At least I did put up with you, huh? Help you out once in a great while?”

“Chief--”

“Don’t you call me that. Don’t you dare call me that.”

“Blair, you helped me all the time, every day. And you did put up with me but I didn’t mean--”

“Oh please, Jim Ellison always says what he means and means what he says! It’s an Ellison creed, isn’t it?”

“I can explain.”

“Fuck your explanation. And fuck you!”

“You don’t understand! Listen to me, please! You have your life back if you want it! Blair, please, it’s true.”

Blair stopped pacing and stared at him skeptically. “How?”

“Pete, he manufactured this whole scenario that would have explained why you would have written a false dissertation as part of a government investigation. He took it to the FBI and Senator Adams as truth and they bought it. Look, he can explain it better than me. You can ask him. Dr. Meeks helped set up the press conference that exonerated you and you’re on the verge of being reinstated to Rainier.” Jim rushed to get the words out. He had to make Blair understand that he had not lost everything. He had to make him see that they could be what they had been. It was good news, was it not? He expected Blair to be happy but the look on his face was anything but happy. If anything, he seemed more disgusted than before. “What? What is it? What can I do?” Was he not listening to what Jim was saying? He had to listen! Yet, he had never listened when Blair tried to explain to him. Jim had never listened. Was this his punishment? To not be heard now?

“Pete fixed it?” Blair’s expression had suddenly become unreadable. The usually expressive, animated face was blank.

“Yes. He really worked some magic. It was actually frightening. And you don’t have to worry about Adler or the CIA or the Pentagon anymore.”

“Pete made up a cover story and you went along with it. That’s how I got my life back. Fine.” He turned abruptly and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Wait! Blair, wait. Why? Didn’t you hear me?”

“I heard you. I noticed that you didn’t mention Rose. I also noticed that Pete is responsible for giving me back the opportunity to get my doctorate.”

“Rose got away. Blair, I didn’t know what to do. What could I do? Pete knows how to manipulate the system.”

“But you were my sentinel! I was your guide! We were friends!” Blair moved back into his face. “Do you understand? Are you hearing me? You blamed me! You let me blame me! You let me take a fall for you and didn’t even blink! And it was you! You accused me of betrayal when it was you! Then somebody else fixes it for you and you want what? Gratitude? Don’t hold your fucking breath! You want me to forgive and forget? Do I look like a doormat to you? Think again! I am so out of here!” He was at the door before Jim found his voice again.

“Blair,” he whispered. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to lose you.”

Blair squared his shoulders but did not turn to face him. “Well, we can’t always get what we want. As for losing me, you threw me away.”

“You’re my brother.”

“In that case, I think I understand now why your family is so dysfunctional. Take care of yourself, Jim. Simon will have my notes.” He opened the door and walked out.

“I’m not a…” The door closed. “Sentinel anymore.”

Kit moved out of the way just in time to keep from being knocked over. Blair Sandburg looked at them both in turn. “Is that job offer still on the table, Pete?”

“You bet.” Pete answered.

He turned to Kit then. “Can you teach me what I am? How to do what you do?”

“Yeah. Not a problem, man.” Kit smiled at him.

“Cool. Let’s go then.”

“Um, Blair, your things are--” Pete started.

“Nothing in there matters to me anymore.” He moved past them and down the hall.

Pete sighed.

“He’ll change his mind. He just needs time,” Kit assured him.

“I hope you’re right.”

Simon Banks got off the elevator and rushed over to them. “I was out of the office. They had to track me down. Where’s Sandburg?”

“Probably walking out of the building as we speak. It was bad, Captain Banks. Blair’s coming with us,” Pete told the man.

“No! That’s not acceptable.”

“It is his life.”

“Which without your job offer, he would continue to lead here in Cascade!”

“Captain Banks,” Kit spoke up, “he needs time away. I think he’ll come back. Just give him some space. Besides, Ellison needs you. He’s pretty torn up, I think.”

“Jesus!”

“Sir, if you need us or want to find Blair, you know where we are.” Pete offered his hand to the man. Banks hesitated then accepted it.

Pete and Kit walked away from him. Banks opened the door and Kit heard him swear before the door closed behind him, cutting off the sound of choked sobs and rustling paper.

“It is becoming increasing apparent that not just any person can be a guide. I have exhausted my resources to find another guide as competent as Blair Sandburg. So far, I have had little if any success with all the candidates that have been procured. I have come to the reluctant conclusion that I will have to retrieve Blair Sandburg if I am to have any hope of salvaging Alex Barnes. Furthermore, if Alex cannot be salvaged, I will have to once again turn my attention to James Ellison. I must have a functioning sentinel-guide pair. Failure is not acceptable.” Robert Rose turned off his mini-recorder and placed it gently on his desk. “One way or another, I will succeed.”

The End

To be continued in Rewards of Virtue, in which Jim fares a little better… eventually….. I did warn you at the beginning! <eg>

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